The First Rule of Medicine

Story by M.M.


“How are we doing today sweetheart? You’ve been quiet something awful since I last saw for your last procedure! So much screaming, you seem much calmer now!”

“The Good Doctor almost thought we might have lost you there for a minute! Unfortunately, he can’t be here to assist today either love, but I do have very clear instructions this time! No unfortunate mishaps like the last Nurse, I swear!”

“Are you quite ready? We’re on a strict timeline here so unfortunately we might have to cut through some red tape and prep and go straight to the juicy stuff!”

“Well I’m certainly not hearing any complaints from you! I’m glad we got that feisty attitude out of you last time! First rule of medicine is: Always listen to your Nurses! I sure am glad you’re taking it to heart! Especially since it’s your heart we’re working on today!”

“Wait..,was that right? Oh silly me! Almost messed up the surgery timeline, you know how I get!”

“No no no, today, we’re getting rid of your left kidney! … Your left, or my left? Ah forget I mentioned it, it’s just medical technicalities, you probably wouldn’t understand anyway it’s soooo complicated!”

“It’s so kind of you to be cooperative like this! You’re moving and dodging a lot less, super quiet too! Help me focus too, I’m so prone to mistakes if I can’t focus! As the Good Doctor always says, good focus? That’s the first rule of medicine right there!”

“Let’s get to cutting shall we? That’s my favourite part! The Good Doctor always lets me cut, he says I’m the best, but keep that between us okay? We don’t want the other Nurses getting jel! You’re a dear!”

“Now now, where do you keep your liver… I’ve got the replacement bits right here! Straight from our freezer! Well, the freezer has been out for a good bit, but don’t worry! This lung is fresh enough to even eat!”

“Oh wow, you’re bleeding a lot today!! If it gets too painful, just say the word okay and I’ll get something to help okay? We wouldn’t want to hurt you now, would we sweetheart! We want you healthy as a horse! Healthier, even, by the time we’re done! You’ll be stronger than all of us!”

“Don’t worry, I’mma just pour some alcohol on it like thiiiis, aaand… Poof! You are officially safe from any nasty infection! And, like the Good Doctor always says, the first rule of medicine is: no nasty- Was that right? Sorry darling I can be such an airhead!”

“Wait, where did I put the scalpel? Oh, did it fall in again? Don’t you worry, I can just get that little bit of scrap out when we get the other organs out next time! I have plenty left right here, don’t worry about me, and that one was a wee bit rusty anyway! Just don’t let the Good Doctor know, okay? He can get a bit scary, when he’s mad, you know? We don’t want him to get mad, do we?”

“You’re doing a great job. No screams, barely even a twitch; we’re almost done here! I did find the knife, but honestly, getting it out is kind of a pain without another Nurse here to assist, and what are they going to think of me if I have to go and ask for help, right? You know what it’s like, you can cover for a girl, right?”

“I’ll close you up now, so it’ll just have to be our little secret okay? What a champion! You did so good! Makes me wonder why we even needed all those extra tight restraints in the first place! I’ll need to put in your chart that we should think about removing them tomorrow, if you’re behaving all it really does is make this whole thing feel a bit non-consensual”

“What a nasty piece of work this is though! You’re lucky we got this out when we did! You’re going to feel brand new once we’re done with you, let me tell you that! You’re going to be a brand new person once this is all over!”

“Crying again, uh? This can be very emotional, it’s good to let it all out dear. I get emotional too when I’m being taken care of, I understand!”

“I’m just marking off on the chart that the surgery was a success, five stars you’d say right? You’ve not got much to do left. Over the next week we just need to switch your eye colours, swap your bladder with a venom pouch, replace your faulty heart that isn’t heart-shaped at all, extract your vocal chords, and do that procedure we’ve been discussing on your nipp-

“-wait, I think one of the Nurses must have messed up the charts, this is all in the wrong order! The nipple procedure is meant to be today, and looks like the vocal chords were extracted yesterday…”

“Okay, buckle up sweetie, I’ll just get this procedure done quickly before anyone notices. Just say the word if you need a minute before we start okay?”